Walking Through the Park and Reminiscing

As I walked to my car after work, the cold wind catching the gap between my scarf and my coat, I couldn't help but reminisce about this past summer.

Let me back up for a second. In the spring, when people would ask me when I was due, I'd say early summer. I'd usually add that it was going to be one of the most exciting summers of my life. A part of me reveled in the idea of having 3 months off again with no work, no school, no real schedule. The other 80% of me was scared shitless about having a baby.

The first several weeks felt impossible. I never slept more than 2 and half hours at a time and just as I did fall asleep, I'd wake up from a nightmare. I'd dream Maxine was falling off the counter or playing with a rattle snake. My mom and dad constantly offered to take Maxine so that I could have a nap while Paul was at work, but a big part of me felt that if we couldn't do it all on our own, that we'd somehow failed her, failed as parents. I'd begrudgingly get into bed for a nap, but instead of sleeping, I'd lay on my side, eyes wide open. My mind raced with "what if"s. What if something happened to Paul and I was a single parent? What if something happened to Maxine? What if something happened to both of them? Within minutes I was sobbing instead of sleeping.

Then one day, as if magic or miracle, Maxine slept for 6 hours strait. I woke up, not to the sound of a crying baby, but the light coming in through the curtains. I put my face close to hers. She was fine, breathing in and out, in and out. Paul and I briefly, and I mean briefly, discussed waking her for a feeding, but decided against it. I fell back asleep in seconds.

The rest of the summer was more about trips to the State Fair, walks through the park, eating ice cream to stay cool, and any other activity my little family could find to relish those hot, warm wind days. Strange, how much more fun you can have when you're not worried about the the worst happening to the best people in your life. I also learned to readily, and happily, accept the help I could get.

So was it the most exciting summer of my life? Sure. But in addition to exciting I would add: crazy, scary, sleepless, amazing, life changing, life affirming and beautiful.

Next summer we may walk through the same park and reminisce about last summer. Then again, I hope we don't. I hope we just enjoy the walk for what it is right then and save the reminiscing for another time. Which reminds me -- I have to get off the computer and go kiss my husband and kid good night.